Speculations

Sooo, it has been a couple days since I wrote stuff here, been slackin again, but, we all are allowed to be ourselves. We all set out with big dreams, big goals, knowing in our hearts that this is what we want to do, where we want to go, and how we want to accomplish it all. It is possible. Mostly. 

What we forget is that there are all kinds of obstacles and walls, locked doors and hearts, good weather and bad weather, and someone that always depends on us for something, that will make us take detours. In that, we have to stop  and look at what it is we want, redirect the road to that place, reassess the ways that we were going to go, and find a happy and balanced ride to our destination. 

I have to remind myself constantly to stop and smell the roses on the way as well. I have had to stop myself and tell me to sloooowwww down. There is no need to rush. Even as I know that being on time is so important, I have found that always wanting to be on time has, in itself caused me so much stress in my life. Anxiety, worries, frustrations, that I really don't need anymore. So, now, its nice to relax, know that not much will change too much if my schedule (haha) is not stuck too.

I used to hate to have plans changed at the last minute. If I had planned something to happen, and then someone came to visit without calling or whatever the interuption was, I would get so angry inside. Now, its ok, if it was meant to be then so be it. I am so much happier. 

At family gatherings, there are a couple of people that will never be on time. It is frustrating because everyone wants to wait, but when you have to wait for a couple of hours, its rude that they don't make that effort to be there on time. There are exceptions. But,  even in that, I have realized that its really ok. The world is not going to end. Hell is not going to freeze over because of that. And that gives me even more time to visit, get to know everyone better, listen, watch, take my time cooking or whatever and just really enjoy myself. 

I used to get crazy inside when someone would step in my kitchen, as I wanted to take control of what they were doing, watching over their shoulders until Jessie moved back in. She practically kicked me out when she cooked. I like to cook, and like to eat what I cook, and as Jessie says, Mom, admit it, you don't like to eat what someone else cooks! hahahahaha!!!!  She is sooooo funny. I would get uptight and just about have to leave the room. OMG, what a problem. And I guess because it was my personal space, not anyone else's, just mine. I think that was it as much as anything. Someone invaded my space. But yet, when I realize that it became so much easier to let them in there.

I have come along way in the last couple of years, in patience, in understanding, in forgiveness, in loving all the knotheads around me that I am destined to have in my life until either I die or they die or move away. :) But, it is okay, finding ways to get around the discomforts they present, looking at the good they have and realizing that they are people with hopes, dreams, and fears, it brings me back to realize that they are human,  just like me.