How often do you wake up in the morning and smile within 30 seconds of your waking? The last few mornings, I have. It has been the most enjoyable thing I have ever felt so quickly on awakening. I am not sure what happened other than I really tried to change my train of thought this last few days.
I have decided to really implement what I preach into practice, give it over 100% of my effort, and so far its been working for me. Not to say that I don't fall off the bandwagon every now and then, because I do. I am far from being perfect, but.....
Through insight and talking with a friend and problems that my friend has, I figured out that I had similar problems, maybe from a different perspective, but none the less, problems. This problem is probably every ones problem, from young to old. Holding onto the past and letting it control you.
This, is so harmful. It causes such strong emotions, destructive emotions. Hate, bitterness, grudges, anger, insecurity, neediness, and the scary one is I don't care anymore. I realized through talking with my friend that I was using past memories to hold against future events, playing them into everything that I thought it could happen in. It was driving me nuts. So, here I go again.
Forgiving for all those that had done wrongs toward me ( this is really tricky for me because what I perceive that has happened and what actually happened could be two different things, and then as life goes on, events, times, and places can get muddled)
Asking forgiveness for myself.
Loving all of those that have hurt me in one way or another. This one is really hard. It was harder than forgiving all of those that had hurt me or done wrong to me. I asked myself, if circumstances were different, could I have been friends with these people or become friends with them again, and good friends? And my answer was yes, and it became so much easier to love. And by this, it was just to say - I love ___ in the beginning, but it is so much harder than you realize when you have been harboring these harmful feelings of bitterness or anger or whatever for so long.
I realized that I had a lot of baggage still attached to me from over the years, and I needed to release it and continue to release these memories, because that is all they are now. Now, forgiveness doesn't mean that I am ok with what has happened, or that I have forgotten it, for me, its an acceptance that it did happen, its in my past, and I will not be able to ever change it.
But in letting go by forgiving and loving, it has released me in ways that has allowed me to be so free. I feel uninhibited in my actions, my ability to love and enjoy every moment and being able to focus on NOW.
I almost feel as if I am looking through another set of eyes. I see things enough differently that I am amazed that I can set myself on a self destructive path in just an instant. An instant of remembering those things that have happened and letting them gain control of my mind through emotions.
This is a battle for sure, but it is one that I know that I can win. I know this because of how I have woke up the last few mornings and how I feel all day long. I am enjoying all the little moments that I wasn't seeing before, enjoying the now moments as they go, and not reading into them something that isn't even there.
This is definitely a better way to wake up to, and enjoy what's before me, rather than looking for anything that might be out of place, wrong, out to get me, or anything that might be harmful in my way of thinking.
I look at the dogs and how happy they are until its time to go to bed. They love to chase balls, race around the yard or house, jump at the horses, run through the chickens, chase cars through the fence. They don't worry about how they look, how fat or skinny they are, or if I am going to be mad because they won't quit barking. They always have bad hair days but they don't give a hoot. They enjoy every moment that they possibly can. They sing with sirens and coyotes. They show uncontained emotions when they hear me coming down the road, they race through their pens, back and forth and yipping, looking at me, "well, are you getting me out, are you looking at me, here I am".
A very simple life for them. I have looked at simplicity in my life, and realized that I complicated it so much, by overthinking, overreacting, worrying too much about so much that is out of my control. I have done enough of this self destruction. Today is a new day. Tomorrow, if God is willing to give me another day, I will have another chance.
I feel blessed by God for opening another window out to my life.
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